Week 7

As I begin to read through Week 7, I'm immediately struck with a realization. "Art is not about thinking something up. It is about the opposite - getting something down" I've often marveled at the people who can step outside them selves and create from a higher source. It's something I've always was beyond me. Maybe, just maybe, I can experience this also. Yes, I think I can.

Is JC talking directly to me when she writes about pefectionsim? "There are no first drafts, rough sketches, warm up exercises. Every draft is meant to be final, perfect, set in stone"

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I would try:

- Make that first stroke of oil on canvas.
- Learning to play guitar
- Learning a foreign language
- Dabbling around Photoshop tutorials
- Writing a memoir about my Great Uncle
- Revisiting and revamping my website


My Jealously Map:

I'm jealous of people who have a significant other.
- Find happiness in the independence of being single.

I'm jealous of people who can splurge and shop without worrying about being able to pay the bills.
- Change my view of money and the value, or lack of, of material possessions. Be thankful that I can pay my bills on time.

I'm jealous of people who are comfortable with confrontation.
- Take a class in communication skills.

I'm jealous of people who are fit and healthy.
- Maintain an effort to change my lifestyle and exercise even when I don't feel like it.

I'm jealous of people who can play a musical instrument.
- Take my boss up on his offer to give me free guitar lessons. Buy a guitar.

I'm jealous of who can draw and paint with no reference photo.
- Turn up at the page and just draw something.

I'm jealous of people who are can write poetry.
- Read more poetry.

I'm jealous of people who can get up in front of people at an open-mic.
- Write a poem and read it a small, intimate open mic night. Add it to my list of 101 things.

I'm jealous of people who aren't fussy eaters.
- Try a new food each week.

I'm jealous of people who can express their feelings without the fear of rejection.
- Write in my blog more often and get comfortable expressing my feelings. It's okay to feel what you feel.

I'm jealous of people who keep artistic sketchbooks
- Start one. Maintain one.


Archeology - An Exercise

As a kid, I missed the chance to go to a more academic school.
As a kid, I lacked true friends.
As a kid, I could have used true friends.
As a kid, I dreamed of being a librarian.
As a kid, I wanted a horse.
In my house, we never had enough family time together.
As a kid, I needed more courage.
I am sorry that I will never again see my dog, Heidi.
For years, I missed and wondered about Renee Hutt
I beat myself up about the loss of my marriage.


I have a loyal friend in Suzy.
One thing I like about my town are the squirrels.
I think I have nice eyes
Writing my morning pages has shown me that I feel good when I've accomplished something I struggle with.
I am taking a greater interest in music.
I believe I am getting better at being organized
My artist has started paying more attention to painting, crafts and guitars
My self care is still erratic
I feel more hopeful
Possibly, my creativity is blossoming

101 Things in 1001 Days.

List is still in progress.

1. Ride a Roller Coaster
2. Go Zip-lining
3 Make and Fly a Kite
4. Complete a 5K Walk for Charity
5. Complete Metallica's One on hard level on Guitar Hero
6. Swim in the ocean.
7. Listen to the Pink Floyd discography in chronological order.
8. Read all of Kurt Vonnegut's published works in chronological order.
9. See Twilight movie.
10. Make a terrarium
11. Make a pot of meatballs and freeze them
12. Make a batch or tiropitas
13. Throw a Cinco De Mayo feast for friends.
14. Get a reclining chair like my Mom's
15. Go to Falling Waters
16. Grow my finger nails and get a french manicure
17. Buy new make up and wear it every day for a month.
18. Make the final payment on my car loan.
19. Go to a bonfire.
20. Fill an entire sketch pad with random doodles
21. Go to Texas to meet my cousin, Kym and Anne.
22. Go to a Water theme park
23. Meet friends for lunch at The North Market.
24. Learn to crochet
25. Go to the Museum of Art
26. Watch a Xmas movie on Xmas Day
27. Make a snowman
28. Go Canoeing
29. Make a "Best Friend Trophy" for my best friend.
30. See my first Hockey game
31. Watch a sunrise and sunset.
32. Get tipsy with friends.
33. Organize my music files.
34. Send a Post Card into Post Secrets
35. Drop 3 Dress Sizes.
36. Renew my passport.
37. Walk in a labyrinth
38. Get a bread maker
39. Learn to juggle
40. Learn to change the oil in my car myself.
41. Visit a haunted site.
42. Photograph a Day in the Life of Me.
43. Take a class in Botanical Art
44. Write a poem
45. Keep a food diary religiously for 2 weeks.
46. Get a massage
47. Have my first pedicure
48. Complete The Artist Way.
49. Transfer video to a DVD
50. Watch the video from my Australian vacation
51. Join a racquetball team
52. Do a Tai Chi video every day for a month.
53. Go to a Comedy Club
54. Take a walk in the rain with someone I love.
55. Go without coffee for a week.
56. Put an ad on an online dating agency and go on a date
57. Go horse riding
58. Go Camping and make S'mores
59. Finish my cross stitch
60. Get my cross stitch framed
61. Start guitar lessons
62. Write a poem
63. Recite a poem at an open-mic.
64. Try 10 new foods.
65.

Money Exercise.

People with money are lucky.

Money makes people ungrateful.

I'll have more money if I find a better paying job.

My thought money was to be saved and put away for the future.

My mom always thought money would buy her happiness.

In my family, money caused us to grow apart.

Money equals security.

If I had money, I'd buy a house.

If I could afford it, I'd go to art school.

If I had some money, I'd find something else to worry about.

I'm afraid that if I had money, I would lose it.

Money is not the root of happiness but it can ease anxiety about the lack of it.

Having money is not everything.

Money causes people to become greedy.

In order to have more money, I'd need to stop worrying about the lack of it and open myself to it coming in from unsuspected sources.

When I have money, I usually spend it on food, books that I never get around to reading and movies that I rarely ever watch. Lately, it's been guitar hero games.

I think money is too important and to central to existence.

If I weren't so cheap, I'd spend more money on getting regular massages.

People think money is the most important thing in life.

Being broke tells me that I learning to make the most of what I have and be gracious for the small, important things in life.

New Jeans and Pumpkins

I felt alive today. The last few weeks I have been sleeping while my body goes through it's motions on a daily basis. Oblivious to the little gifts that can be found when you are receptive to them.

I had some friends over for dinner tonight and I was looking forward. Up until today I've been shying away from social interaction simply because it seems like effort I was not willing to expend.
I have always gotten a lot of enjoyment out of hosting and cooking dinner for people. Since I am a fussy eater, I must prefer to do the cooking. I think it's a control issue and I know I won't be forced to eat (or avoid to eat) something I do not like.

I slept in a little later and tidied the house, changed out the cat litter and went to the store to get some steaks. (And cherry pie cos everyone loves pie)

On the way to the grocery store I drove past a up-scale gently-used clothing store. They buy designer outfits from the public and so you can find some incredible bargains. I'm not at all the type of girl who takes particular care with her appearance and I am wondering if that isn't part of my issues. On the spur of the moment I decided to go in and get that new pair of jeans I was needing.

I have the luxury of a little more money this month and I knew I got afford it without feeling guilty. While I was there I also found two new tops that I liked and could afford. I thought back to TAW when JC was talking about buying yourself new clothes and at the time I simply laughed, thinking it was outside my means.

More importantly, the new jeans are a size smaller than I've been wearing. I didn't even try them, thinking they would be good motivation to lose a few of the extra pounds I keep writing about in my morning pages (when I write them that is) I got home and wasn't even going to try them on, not wanting to have that dreading feeling of not being able to get into them.

I took a shower and tried on the jeans. They fit perfectly!

While waiting for my dinner guests, I sketched out a Bird of Paradise. I not only opened my sketch but I drew in it also. I'm excited to actually complete a drawing for the first time in many months.

In my new clothes I felt different. I had that Fall-feeling that you get the first time you put on a long sleeve top after the summer. My house smelled wonderful from the soy candle I got while down at Old Mans Cave gift shop last week. A purchase I felt some guilt about at the time. It made the house smell like fresh linen. (I also had a load of laundry on)

For dinner, I grilled steaks with three-cheese mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Some fresh baked bread and a piece of cherry pie for desert.

My friends bought me a pumpkin. I felt American.

We played Guitar Hero for several hours and then watched Survivor, one of my guilty pleasures.

Now I'm listening to Pink Floyd,, drinking coffee and starting to think more positively about reading deprivation. Another "thing" I thought I was not able to do so why bother starting it.

I feel alive.

Detective Work

I did this exercise last night and as I read through them today, I'm noticing a lot of excitement and nostalgia creep in. I'm expanding on the answers as I share them with you.

My favorite childhood toy was a little green frog full of beans.

My favorite childhood game was Chinese Checkers and Junior Scrabble. I played both of these with my father every night, once dinner was over and the dishes done. I also loved playing Canasta with my Grandmother when I stayed with her during school vacations. I don't know anyone who plays Canasta now.

The best movie I ever saw as a kid was International Velvet. It's a sequel to National Velvet. Tatum O'Neil plays Velvet Brown's granddaughter who lives with her after her own parents are killed in a car accident. Tatum O'Neil raises Pi's foal and competes for the British Equestrian Team in the Olympics. Horse movies are one of my guilty pleasures. I must have seen this movie at least 100 times, but not recently. Perhaps that would make for a good Artist Date.

I don't do it much, but I enjoy swimming. I have been around water all my life until I moved to the land-locked Midwest. We had a pool in the backyard ever since I can remember. I spen tlong summers filled with lots of sunscreen and water filled ballons. Swimming is something that I can use as a meditation (provided I'm in good enough shape to be able to swim more than a lap or two. I haven't been in that shape for several years now)

If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself be happy. I have a tendancy to ignore all the good in my life and focus on the negatives. I choose to wallow because it's safe. It's not getting my anywhere but deeper into a black hole of shame.

If it weren't too late, I'd get fit and healthy. (Is it ever too late to start a fitness regime?)

My favorite musical instrument is the guitar. I love the way it sounds and I admire someone whoc an sit down and pick and strum away. I tried to learn how to play it a few years ago and gave it away after a few short weeks of frustrations. I have me music teachings and have been told by my family that I am tone deaf. I'm not sure that is true and I'm finding the more I expose myself to msuic, the more I believe there is still hope for me. Thanks to the playstation, I've found I'm rather partial to drumming also. I've also loved the sound of the piano. I saw some girl on tv playing the recorder from her nose. I wondered about getting myself a recorder and starting to learn to play "an instrument"

The amount of money I spent on treating myself is minsicule. I don't earn a whole lot working retail. By the time I pay bills there is very little left over. I do know that I spend more than I could on food - because food has always been a comfort. I aspire to cut down on the grocery bill and redirect that money into healthier choices that comfort my inner artist and not my inner demons.

If I weren't so stingy with my inner artist, I'd buy different artist materials and delve into new projects I've never done before, like beading and ceramics. If I had the room in my apartment, I'd by a drafting table and set up an artist studio dedicated to creating a safe environment in which to work.

I secretly enjoy reading gossip magazines and women's interest magazines such as Real Life and Oprah.

If I had a perfect childhood, I'd have grown up to be a housewife and mother with an artist studio.

If I didn't sound so crazy, I'd write the memoir about my Great Uncle Charlie and his spiritual influences on my life. He dies as a POW in WW2 and was buried in St Louis, not too far from Ohio.

My parents think artists are wasteful. My mother is a lot more supportive but my father has little time for someone who chooses art as a career. He is very left-brained and analytical with a brain built for science. He is also ultra-conservative and believes in financial security and a good solid career in a high-paying position. In his world, the arts cannot provide such things. In saying that, he still carries around with him, some of my early drawings.
My mother is a lot more right brained and has an incredible talent for detailed botanical water color. She is supportive of my drawing but has a fear of the truth being"written down and set in stone" She thinks that what people say cannot create a lot of negative reaction and often get you in to trouble. She cringes at the idea of journal writing.

My God thinks that artists are amazing. They are people to be admired and respected. It's not at all easy to sit down to a blank canvas or a a blank page and create something wonderful. I admire people who can lose themselves in their art.

What makes me feel weird about this recovery is the real possibility of success. The idea that I can become a healthy, organized woman who is happy in the moment and creating finished pieces of artwork is still more a dream than reality.

Learning to trust myself is a battle. I've always been a like a chameleon to varying degrees, struggling to fit in with someone and something.

My most cheer me up music is Xavier Rud, an Australian musician. He is a multi-instrumentalist whose songs are generally about spiritual, sociological and ecological issues. I discovered him by accident when I was at an Ani DiFranco concert several years ago. I've recently discovered Loreena McKennitt and come to the realization that I really enjoy Irish and Celtic music. It's okay if that makes me a nerd.

My favorite way to dress is comfortable. I really enjoy hippish outfits. Lots of crochet and that whole thrift store mix and match that is popular amongt artists and activists. I don't tend to dress that way as much as I would like to since I'm overweight and try to hide that behind my clothing. I guess you'd call it a vintage look. It's hard to describe.

Big Carli

The photo I posted of Carli earlier is one my favorites. She was only about 4 months old in this photo, I thought I'd post some that I took of her recently, reveling in the sun in her favorite place.

Artist Date #3 and General Update

Hi everyone.

It's been a long week for. I'm back in the routine of doing my morning pages after the general chaos from a city with no power.

I've found myself to be very irritable lately. I have been under a great deal of stress and a little homesick for my family back in Australia. My grandmother (who is 94) fell off her motorized 4 wheel scooter again. This is the fourth time in less than a year. The last time she fell onto a busy road while it was raining and at dusk. She was lucky to not be run over and got away with about 40 stitches in her head and a lot of bruising. This time she has fractured her pelvis, broke her the ball off her artificial hip and broken her femur. We didn't expect her to make ti threw the 8 hours of surgery but she has and is doing well. The scooter is long gone - for good this time.

Adding to this, my beloved kitty has been unwell. This morning I woke up to find she had vomited up a large elastic band. she seems to be much better now and was loudly portraying her need for breakfast. She is a little neurotic which I mostly contribute to her being weaned ver early. I got her from a foster home at an animal shelter when she was only 7 weeks old. Someone had found her crossing a road and terrified. She caused and accident and was named "Trouble" by the kind people who saved her life. At the animal shelter, they changed her name to Carli since she was "too cute and loving to be called Trouble" Oddly enough, Kali is a Hindu Goddess associated with death and destruction. Her name is spelt differently, but pronounced the same.

Here is a photo of her. I love her so much.



I had the day off work today and I decided it was a perfect day for my Artist Date. I usually do this on a Thursday, so it's a little delayed this week. I woke up this morning with the realization that our full week of perfect weather is going to be short lived. Here in the Midwest, there are only a few weeks where it's not bitterly cold or uncomfortably humid.

I realized that not going outside was completing wasting the sunshine.

Since I've been inspired by those of you who have been taking your camera out, I decided to go to Inniswood Metro Gardens. It's been a while since I've been there. It's one of my special places. My best friend was proposed to there at the frog pond - in her pajamas.

I packed a picnic (not realizing that food was not allowed inside the Gardens)
i wandered around for several hours, taking photographs, reveling in the smell of the gorgeous roses. I sat and watched the squirrels gathering acorns and dancing amongst the tree limbs. I watched the bees dive in and ot of the flowers gathering nectar. I watched a lady bird struggle to reach the top of a tall petal without losing his balance. I learned that there are lots of variations of mint. I followed the stepping stones of the Onondaga Creation Story. I thought about the giant oak tree that stood in front of my grandmothers house and how I loved to collect the acorns when I visited her.

I took my ipod with me and sat in the sunshine listening to Loreena McKennitt. I only recently discovered her and I can't get enough of her music. I've been a big fan of Dead Can Dance and Lisa Gerrard and Loreena has a similar type of sound. A particular song has been with me all day. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It's called Dante's Prayer.

It spoke to me. Here are the lyrics.

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

My moments of wonders have continued through the day. I came home and ate my picnic. I set up a photo blog of some of my 160 photographs from the Gardens. This is something I've wanted to do for many months but never gotten around to. Now, friends and family across the oceans can be more in my life without me filling their Emails with large hindering file transfers.

Yay me!

For anyone interested in looking at the site, you can find it here.