On of my negative beliefs of why I could not write: I don't have the confidence of good grammar. For example, should this blog title have been "What have I learned this week?" or "What have I learnt this week?"
I'm at peace when my house is clean and tidy and organized. I struggle to maintain that organization and hence, use organization as an avoidance of what my art, my creativity and my self.
I will sit down to write my morning pages or do something artistic and my inner demons battles to come up with other "more important things" that I must do right now rather than write.
I'm aware of these hindrances and others, but as yet I am fighting a battle to overcome their powers.
I'm sitting down now to a 95% immaculately clean house. I could be sorting out all my art supplies, mopping the bathroom floors and cleaning the patio and grill. But I am telling myself that those things can wait because tonight was previously declared "writing night"
I've made a lot of big changes this week.
1. I'm attempting to quit smoking. I'm 35 years old and have been smoking for almost 5 years. Most people start this disgusting habit when they are a teenager and it's the cool thing for them to do. Right? Not me. I started smoking at the time of my divorce. When I was old enough to be aware of the dangerous health effects and the anti-social effect of smelling bad all the time.
I started smoking at 30 years old because I felt like it was the cool thing to do. His new girlfriend was a smoker and I was not. In fact I hated the smell of tobacco that it drew a wedge between my ex-husband and I since he was also a smoker. I had hopes that by smoking I'd bridge that gap and possibly change the directions things had taken. It didn't work that way, and by the time I realized this, it was too late and my addiction to nicotine had wound itself around me.
The hardest thing about quitting smoking is the routine and habit. Your brain slurps up the nicotine and associates certain activities with smoking as a way of tightening it's hold on the you. It disguises as a reward which is good for you rather than it's addictive poison.
"Once you finish this task, it'll be nice to reward yourself with a peaceful cigarette where little can interrupt out time together"
The hardest times include getting in my car, finishing a meal, contemplating the start of your day, before getting started on a project and when I'm having an indecisive moment. Smoking helps you think. So nicotine leads you to believe. In reality, it's one of my enemies of my creative self.
2. This leads me to the other big revelation I've had this week.
I'm investigating the possibility of applying for, and sitting an examination for a professional license in my abandoned professional field. I've been out of the medical field for about 5 years. Since the day I began smoking to be exact.
I went from a highish paying position in the medical field to a retail position in a used bookstore. At the time I justified it by the need for a change. My demanding somewhat-crazy job has also been a factor in the breakdown of my marriage. I was going back to my roots. Going back to the job I'd dreamed of having when I was a child. I did and I still do love it this new career.
As I progress further up the ladder into higher management, my job has become less about the books and more about looking after people who do play with the books. In a few years I will come to the top of my salary cap unless I get further promoted and further away from what I love the most, the books. In all reality, I'm never going to make enough dollars to the live the type of lifestyle I dream of having.
I don't desire much, just the same semi carefree financial existance I once had. I'm tired of struggling and agonizing over every last penny. It's extra anxiety that is taking me away from my creativity despite the incredible amount of time off I get now. What good is time off if I widdle it away wishing for more than I have right now while I smoke a pack of cigarettes.
I'm not telling my demons that I've quit smoking. I'm telling them that "Just for today, I am not going to smoke"
I've also come up with a list of negatives for smoking.
1. It's stinky.
2. It's incredibly expensive.
3. My fitness level has deteriorated since I started smoking.
4. Breathing is noticeable different, and not for the better.
5. I can't go to a coffee place and write for extended periods because nicotine withdrawals intrude.
6. I come from a family where everybody smoked and now none of them do. Except me.
3 comments:
what a brave post, and much of what you say i can relate to: having been a heavy smoker myself (i actually even enjoyed it!) i know only too well the difficulties that can be involved in trying to give it up. and you're right, so much of it's hold over us is the psychological and habitual... i won't lie and say i found giving up easy. and i certainly didn't give up the first time i declared the intention. but it was a game of numbers, and eventually i did manage, and have not smoked for coming up to 3 years now. good luck ~ you will do it!
aside from the smoking, you seem to have had quite a week of revelations in general: certainly BIG ones anyway. i only know too well the excuse of using "organisation as an avoidance" and it's something i am still working to reconcile within.
i hope your explorations continue to be fruitful and thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you. It was somewhat difficult to write but I am determined to get as much out of this 16 weeks as I can.
Your words are very encouraging.
This is fantastic and deep. You have much to be proud of right now and I'm not just talking about quitting smoking and considering going back to your former career. Facing the emotions and events that brought you to this place in life is a powerfully healing thing to do.
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