I've been thinking a lot lately about what is it that drives my most basic functions. Why is it that I procrastinate and desire so much more. Why is it that I sit on the sidelines and dream of the life I want to living. I look at other people and envy their vitatlity and their apparent comfort with themselves. I envy their stamina, their creativity, their lives.
I appreciate that my life is so much better than a mere 3 years ago when I was so alone and so afraid and living in near poverty and wondering if my life was ever going to get any better. It did. And so much so. I remember looking in the mirror one morning and realising that I was in fact pretty. I stared at myself for several moments and not once did I focus on my blemishes, my weight, my untameable hair. That was a completely foreign feeling for me.
It wasn't long after that when I met Keith. Keith who with his gignatic heart immediatly saw the light in me that I had struggled to find since the end of my first marriage. In seeing it for myself first, I was able to show it to others. I must have been oozing with self confidence at that time. Life became a catalyst to light and love and within a mere few months I was pregnant with my first son, married and signing the documents to purchase our first home. My own family has always been my one big dream to bring alive.
I think it's human nature to always want more than you have.
One always seems to be looking for something to fill a void and even with my wonderful family, I still find myself yearning for more from my life.
With writing my morning pages, I've discovered that one of the biggest enemies of my self worth and creative life is two simple tiny words.
"IF only.... "