I love making lists. I love crossing things off a list. I have lists for everything and I'm about write another one tonight.
I'm been mulling over my addiction for lists the past few days and wondering why I feel like I need them in order to navigate life. Someone told me that it was because I need someone or something to tell me what to do. This really upset me. It didn't resonate well or perhaps I was concerned she was right. I'm always quick to assume to think the worst about myself. Thinking I can't survive without someone or something telling me what to do is a huge insult to my character.
By day I'm an assistant manager and tend to work opposite schedules to the store manager. As such I'm constantly often forced to make spur of the moment judgments. I'm a good leader and a good motivator.
By night I live alone with my cat Carli. I'm independant, financially responsible on a limited income and make all my own decisions. It really hurt my feelings that this person thinks I can't make my own decisions. It shouldn't, but it does.
Every other Friday night I meet up with a small intimate group of woman. We all share a desire to live a happier and healthier life, aided by the love support of each other. It's my safe place. The place where it's okay to be me and show my vulnerbility. The core of the group is a very empathic lady called Cheryl. She sees much of her younger self in me. It sometimes scares me a little about how intimatly she knows the true me, the secrets I hide and the fears I deny to the outside world.
About half way through the night on Friday I blurted out something big in a moment of silence. Something scary. Something I don't even think I had realized consciously. I have no idea of where the words came from as I said them it felt like I was an observer more so than the active speaker.
"I am afraid to dream. I'm afraid my dreams won't come true and I'm afraid this is the best it is ever going to be for me"
I have dreams. They are loosely assembled in the various lists I create. I'm just afraid to go after them for fear of them alluding me. I write lists to visualize those dreams. Not because I need someone to tell me what to do and how to live.
I was thinking about this while in my Friday night group.
Our homework for the week is to write down our dreams and aspirations and next week we are going to do a buring meditation to bring those aspirations into fruition.
She also gave us all a lotus seed. The lotus flower grows in muddy, wtinky water. The more stinky and rotten the mud is, the beautiful and vibrant the flower becomes. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater. At dawn, it rises and opens again. Untouched by impurity, it symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. It represents long life, health, honor and good luck.
Cheryl came up to me at the end of the night as we were saying our goodbyes.
She whispered in my ear and said "You write lists because you are a writer and you are stocking up on fuel for your craft. Don't listen to what others tell you. They're wrong"
How did she know about my inner diaglogue and the sadness I felt about the way others see me
One of my aspirations is to stop being derailed by what others see in me.