Sunday, December 28, 2008

Lists - edited from Morning Pages.

I love making lists. I love crossing things off a list. I have lists for everything and I'm about write another one tonight.

I'm been mulling over my addiction for lists the past few days and wondering why I feel like I need them in order to navigate life. Someone told me that it was because I need someone or something to tell me what to do. This really upset me. It didn't resonate well or perhaps I was concerned she was right. I'm always quick to assume to think the worst about myself. Thinking I can't survive without someone or something telling me what to do is a huge insult to my character.

By day I'm an assistant manager and tend to work opposite schedules to the store manager. As such I'm constantly often forced to make spur of the moment judgments. I'm a good leader and a good motivator.

By night I live alone with my cat Carli. I'm independant, financially responsible on a limited income and make all my own decisions. It really hurt my feelings that this person thinks I can't make my own decisions. It shouldn't, but it does.

Every other Friday night I meet up with a small intimate group of woman. We all share a desire to live a happier and healthier life, aided by the love support of each other. It's my safe place. The place where it's okay to be me and show my vulnerbility. The core of the group is a very empathic lady called Cheryl. She sees much of her younger self in me. It sometimes scares me a little about how intimatly she knows the true me, the secrets I hide and the fears I deny to the outside world.

About half way through the night on Friday I blurted out something big in a moment of silence. Something scary. Something I don't even think I had realized consciously. I have no idea of where the words came from as I said them it felt like I was an observer more so than the active speaker.

"I am afraid to dream. I'm afraid my dreams won't come true and I'm afraid this is the best it is ever going to be for me"

I have dreams. They are loosely assembled in the various lists I create. I'm just afraid to go after them for fear of them alluding me. I write lists to visualize those dreams. Not because I need someone to tell me what to do and how to live.

I was thinking about this while in my Friday night group.

Our homework for the week is to write down our dreams and aspirations and next week we are going to do a buring meditation to bring those aspirations into fruition.

She also gave us all a lotus seed. The lotus flower grows in muddy, wtinky water. The more stinky and rotten the mud is, the beautiful and vibrant the flower becomes. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater. At dawn, it rises and opens again. Untouched by impurity, it symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. It represents long life, health, honor and good luck.

Cheryl came up to me at the end of the night as we were saying our goodbyes.

She whispered in my ear and said "You write lists because you are a writer and you are stocking up on fuel for your craft. Don't listen to what others tell you. They're wrong"

How did she know about my inner diaglogue and the sadness I felt about the way others see me

One of my aspirations is to stop being derailed by what others see in me.

5 comments:

DanseuseSabine said...

I like what Cheryl said, and I think you should listen to her. I personally LOVE lists! My family's always joking that I have lists of my lists (close, but not quite *grin*). I have all kinds of lists. I think a big part of it is that I'm very much a visual person. Lists of dreams and to-do lists all give me things I can cross off and actually help me feel better when I can cross something off. Lists also help me feel a little more organized in my crazy world. Some people think lists are no good, that its limiting. But I disagree. One of the first things people who talk about successfully achieving your goals is to make a list of the goals. I say keep writing 'em!
-Nadja

SisterJulia said...

I love this post!
You are already the person telling you what do, and you trust your own advice or else you wouldn't write yourself a list!

there are some warning signs if lists are becoming important in ways that are not practical...if you re-write lists to make them tidier, or write onto your lists things you've already done so that you can see them checked off, or if you keep re-writing the same things on your lists rather than the items getting cleared. If you see these kind of patterns then the lists are giving you something other than an organisational tool.

I often put lists into my morning pages just so I can relax and stop thinking about everything that needs doing...and until now I didn't have to look back at them!!!

Best wishes for 2009

Disenchanted Melody said...

Thank you for the lovely comments. It was funny, my inner critic voice was talking to me as I typed this blog last night.

It was telling me that nobody would be interested in reading this. And if they did, they would agree with me that I am crazy. I think too much. That I'm a negative person.

My goal for this week is to be conscious of that voice inside of me.

I heard of article recently where a lady overcame depression by listening to that voice and then gave it's own name. She made friends with the identity rather than denying it's intrusion into her life.

I like that idea.

Once again, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

pen* said...

how i love, love, loved this post! it was raw and honest. it is beautiful!

the overwhelming thought washing over me as i read your words was how your lists are like a vision board. they are a way of keeping you focussed, reminding you of the things that are important: from the shopping and to do list, to the deeper and bigger mondo beyondo dream list. may you carry on making big and beautiful lists in 2009 and manifesting your dreams xo
ps. how wonderful to have warm and inspiring friends like cheryl. remember, like attracts like: so your friendship says a lot about you too!

AMJONE said...

This was such a wonderful post. I also love to make lists and love, even more, to cross things off, once completed - it gives me somewhat of a sense of control. I agree with Pen about the vision board thing. I tend to begin "to-do" lists which end up looking more like wish lists. But, I find that it helps me, to put those dreams/wishes in writing, because it makes them more real somehow , more attainable. I can work towards them much more easily. Trust yourself!

We all need a Cheryl in our lives , someone to shed a little light on us -that's part of why we are all here. Listen to your inner voice - it leads you to your dreams.