I felt alive today. The last few weeks I have been sleeping while my body goes through it's motions on a daily basis. Oblivious to the little gifts that can be found when you are receptive to them.
I had some friends over for dinner tonight and I was looking forward. Up until today I've been shying away from social interaction simply because it seems like effort I was not willing to expend.
I have always gotten a lot of enjoyment out of hosting and cooking dinner for people. Since I am a fussy eater, I must prefer to do the cooking. I think it's a control issue and I know I won't be forced to eat (or avoid to eat) something I do not like.
I slept in a little later and tidied the house, changed out the cat litter and went to the store to get some steaks. (And cherry pie cos everyone loves pie)
On the way to the grocery store I drove past a up-scale gently-used clothing store. They buy designer outfits from the public and so you can find some incredible bargains. I'm not at all the type of girl who takes particular care with her appearance and I am wondering if that isn't part of my issues. On the spur of the moment I decided to go in and get that new pair of jeans I was needing.
I have the luxury of a little more money this month and I knew I got afford it without feeling guilty. While I was there I also found two new tops that I liked and could afford. I thought back to TAW when JC was talking about buying yourself new clothes and at the time I simply laughed, thinking it was outside my means.
More importantly, the new jeans are a size smaller than I've been wearing. I didn't even try them, thinking they would be good motivation to lose a few of the extra pounds I keep writing about in my morning pages (when I write them that is) I got home and wasn't even going to try them on, not wanting to have that dreading feeling of not being able to get into them.
I took a shower and tried on the jeans. They fit perfectly!
While waiting for my dinner guests, I sketched out a Bird of Paradise. I not only opened my sketch but I drew in it also. I'm excited to actually complete a drawing for the first time in many months.
In my new clothes I felt different. I had that Fall-feeling that you get the first time you put on a long sleeve top after the summer. My house smelled wonderful from the soy candle I got while down at Old Mans Cave gift shop last week. A purchase I felt some guilt about at the time. It made the house smell like fresh linen. (I also had a load of laundry on)
For dinner, I grilled steaks with three-cheese mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Some fresh baked bread and a piece of cherry pie for desert.
My friends bought me a pumpkin. I felt American.
We played Guitar Hero for several hours and then watched Survivor, one of my guilty pleasures.
Now I'm listening to Pink Floyd,, drinking coffee and starting to think more positively about reading deprivation. Another "thing" I thought I was not able to do so why bother starting it.
I feel alive.
