Fear

I happened upon this quote.
"If you don't face up to your fears on your own aord, the Universe will place obstacles in front of you that face you to force them. Life is so much easier if you take the inititive yourself"

One simple word

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is it that drives my most basic functions. Why is it that I procrastinate and desire so much more. Why is it that I sit on the sidelines and dream of the life I want to living. I look at other people and envy their vitatlity and their apparent comfort with themselves. I envy their stamina, their creativity, their lives.

I appreciate that my life is so much better than a mere 3 years ago when I was so alone and so afraid and living in near poverty and wondering if my life was ever going to get any better. It did. And so much so. I remember looking in the mirror one morning and realising that I was in fact pretty. I stared at myself for several moments and not once did I focus on my blemishes, my weight, my untameable hair. That was a completely foreign feeling for me.

It wasn't long after that when I met Keith. Keith who with his gignatic heart immediatly saw the light in me that I had struggled to find since the end of my first marriage. In seeing it for myself first, I was able to show it to others. I must have been oozing with self confidence at that time. Life became a catalyst to light and love and within a mere few months I was pregnant with my first son, married and signing the documents to purchase our first home. My own family has always been my one big dream to bring alive.

I think it's human nature to always want more than you have.

One always seems to be looking for something to fill a void and even with my wonderful family, I still find myself yearning for more from my life.

With writing my morning pages, I've discovered that one of the biggest enemies of my self worth and creative life is two simple tiny words.

"IF only.... "

The Artist's Way

Hello!

My name is Karen and I am a serial procrastinator who desires to be so much more. Some might even call me lazy when it comes to looking out for myself. Several years ago I was introdced to Julia Cameon's The Artist Way and it changed the course of my life for the better. I was able to build the courage to leave a bad marriage and start things anew. I gave up the security of a high paying job to follow my childhood dream of being a librarian and I overcome my struggle with self confidence (temporarily at least)

Fast forward a few years and I am now happily married with two beautiful children and a group of mothers who have become like sisters, even though we have never actually met one another in person. One of these mothers, Annie, is one of the most beautiful writers and souls I have had the firtune to meet. We have shared the same struggles and I feel this tremendous connection to her. She has found herself in a slump with her writing. You see, she believes she can only write about suffering. Yet she has been blessed with this amazing little girl who is about to 7 months old and is happier than she has ever been. Yes, she still struggles but she is happy.

Immediatly The Artist's Way came to mind and I sent her a copy of the book and I eagerly agreed to join her in the 12 week course. That was the easy part. I admit I'm a little scared to open those doors again, even though I know only good things will come from it. Having to commit to finding time for myself when I make every excuse not to. Having to be open with my feelings when I try to hide them from the world. Having to commit to walking when my body has become too tired to do much more than it already does. Having to turn up at a blank page and create something from nothing. Having to commit to three pages of long hand writing when I'm afraid of what is going to flow through my pen. I already know where this is going to lead.. It's going to force me to make healthier choices in my life. Catapualt me from my routine and stuck-ness into a rich flow of creative juice.

But then I find myself thinking that those are all great sacifices to make if my two boys have a mom who is healthier both in body and soul. It's all worth it to see my great friend find that she can write sunshine and vibrance. This woman is raw talent at it's best and I can't wait to see what things she can do.

So look forward to more from me over the coming weeks. Share in  our journey.

A scrapbooking idea I found on Pinterest

1. What is your favorite color? Pink
2. What is your favorite toy? Thomas Blue
3. What is your favorite fruit? Pineapple
4. What is your favorite tv show? Thomas and Caillou
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch?
6. What is your favorite outfit?
7. What is your favorite game?
8. What is your favorite snack?
9. What is your favorite animal?
10. What is your favorite song?
11. What is your favorite book?
12. Who is your best friend?
13. What is your favorite cereal?
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
15. What is your favorite drink?
16. What is your favorite holiday?
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night?
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday?
20. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Starting at age 2, I will be asking Caden and Liam these 20 questions every year around their birthday. I am going to assemble a small album for each of them, which will hold about 10 years worth, depending on how I lay it out. I will share the final design as soon as I complete this first page.

I'm back!

I just read this:

"You never questions the truth of something until you have to explain it to a skeptic"

I think I want to think on this for a while.

My list for today....

I came across this and it made me smile.



Instructions for Life

• Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
• Memorize your favorite poems.
• Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
• When you say, "I love you", mean it.
• When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
• Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
• Believe in love at first sight.
• Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
• In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
• Don't judge people by their relatives.
• Talk slow but think quick.
• When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
• Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• Call your mom.
• Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Remember the three R's:

• Respect for self,

  Respect for others,

  Responsibility for all your actions.

• Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
• Marry a partner you love to talk to. As you get older, the conversational skill will be as important as any other.
• Spend some time alone.
• Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
• Silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Read more books, watch less TV.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
• Trust in God but lock your car.
• A loving atmosphere in your home is important.
• Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
• In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
• Read between the lines.
• Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
• Be gentle with the earth.
• Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
• Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
• Mind your own business.
• Close the eyes when you get a kiss.
• Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
• If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
• Not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
• Learn the rules, then break some.
• In a good relationship is the love for each other greater than the need for each other.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Your character is your destiny.
• Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Lists - edited from Morning Pages.

I love making lists. I love crossing things off a list. I have lists for everything and I'm about write another one tonight.

I'm been mulling over my addiction for lists the past few days and wondering why I feel like I need them in order to navigate life. Someone told me that it was because I need someone or something to tell me what to do. This really upset me. It didn't resonate well or perhaps I was concerned she was right. I'm always quick to assume to think the worst about myself. Thinking I can't survive without someone or something telling me what to do is a huge insult to my character.

By day I'm an assistant manager and tend to work opposite schedules to the store manager. As such I'm constantly often forced to make spur of the moment judgments. I'm a good leader and a good motivator.

By night I live alone with my cat Carli. I'm independant, financially responsible on a limited income and make all my own decisions. It really hurt my feelings that this person thinks I can't make my own decisions. It shouldn't, but it does.

Every other Friday night I meet up with a small intimate group of woman. We all share a desire to live a happier and healthier life, aided by the love support of each other. It's my safe place. The place where it's okay to be me and show my vulnerbility. The core of the group is a very empathic lady called Cheryl. She sees much of her younger self in me. It sometimes scares me a little about how intimatly she knows the true me, the secrets I hide and the fears I deny to the outside world.

About half way through the night on Friday I blurted out something big in a moment of silence. Something scary. Something I don't even think I had realized consciously. I have no idea of where the words came from as I said them it felt like I was an observer more so than the active speaker.

"I am afraid to dream. I'm afraid my dreams won't come true and I'm afraid this is the best it is ever going to be for me"

I have dreams. They are loosely assembled in the various lists I create. I'm just afraid to go after them for fear of them alluding me. I write lists to visualize those dreams. Not because I need someone to tell me what to do and how to live.

I was thinking about this while in my Friday night group.

Our homework for the week is to write down our dreams and aspirations and next week we are going to do a buring meditation to bring those aspirations into fruition.

She also gave us all a lotus seed. The lotus flower grows in muddy, wtinky water. The more stinky and rotten the mud is, the beautiful and vibrant the flower becomes. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater. At dawn, it rises and opens again. Untouched by impurity, it symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. It represents long life, health, honor and good luck.

Cheryl came up to me at the end of the night as we were saying our goodbyes.

She whispered in my ear and said "You write lists because you are a writer and you are stocking up on fuel for your craft. Don't listen to what others tell you. They're wrong"

How did she know about my inner diaglogue and the sadness I felt about the way others see me

One of my aspirations is to stop being derailed by what others see in me.

Week 7

As I begin to read through Week 7, I'm immediately struck with a realization. "Art is not about thinking something up. It is about the opposite - getting something down" I've often marveled at the people who can step outside them selves and create from a higher source. It's something I've always was beyond me. Maybe, just maybe, I can experience this also. Yes, I think I can.

Is JC talking directly to me when she writes about pefectionsim? "There are no first drafts, rough sketches, warm up exercises. Every draft is meant to be final, perfect, set in stone"

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I would try:

- Make that first stroke of oil on canvas.
- Learning to play guitar
- Learning a foreign language
- Dabbling around Photoshop tutorials
- Writing a memoir about my Great Uncle
- Revisiting and revamping my website


My Jealously Map:

I'm jealous of people who have a significant other.
- Find happiness in the independence of being single.

I'm jealous of people who can splurge and shop without worrying about being able to pay the bills.
- Change my view of money and the value, or lack of, of material possessions. Be thankful that I can pay my bills on time.

I'm jealous of people who are comfortable with confrontation.
- Take a class in communication skills.

I'm jealous of people who are fit and healthy.
- Maintain an effort to change my lifestyle and exercise even when I don't feel like it.

I'm jealous of people who can play a musical instrument.
- Take my boss up on his offer to give me free guitar lessons. Buy a guitar.

I'm jealous of who can draw and paint with no reference photo.
- Turn up at the page and just draw something.

I'm jealous of people who are can write poetry.
- Read more poetry.

I'm jealous of people who can get up in front of people at an open-mic.
- Write a poem and read it a small, intimate open mic night. Add it to my list of 101 things.

I'm jealous of people who aren't fussy eaters.
- Try a new food each week.

I'm jealous of people who can express their feelings without the fear of rejection.
- Write in my blog more often and get comfortable expressing my feelings. It's okay to feel what you feel.

I'm jealous of people who keep artistic sketchbooks
- Start one. Maintain one.


Archeology - An Exercise

As a kid, I missed the chance to go to a more academic school.
As a kid, I lacked true friends.
As a kid, I could have used true friends.
As a kid, I dreamed of being a librarian.
As a kid, I wanted a horse.
In my house, we never had enough family time together.
As a kid, I needed more courage.
I am sorry that I will never again see my dog, Heidi.
For years, I missed and wondered about Renee Hutt
I beat myself up about the loss of my marriage.


I have a loyal friend in Suzy.
One thing I like about my town are the squirrels.
I think I have nice eyes
Writing my morning pages has shown me that I feel good when I've accomplished something I struggle with.
I am taking a greater interest in music.
I believe I am getting better at being organized
My artist has started paying more attention to painting, crafts and guitars
My self care is still erratic
I feel more hopeful
Possibly, my creativity is blossoming

101 Things in 1001 Days.

List is still in progress.

1. Ride a Roller Coaster
2. Go Zip-lining
3 Make and Fly a Kite
4. Complete a 5K Walk for Charity
5. Complete Metallica's One on hard level on Guitar Hero
6. Swim in the ocean.
7. Listen to the Pink Floyd discography in chronological order.
8. Read all of Kurt Vonnegut's published works in chronological order.
9. See Twilight movie.
10. Make a terrarium
11. Make a pot of meatballs and freeze them
12. Make a batch or tiropitas
13. Throw a Cinco De Mayo feast for friends.
14. Get a reclining chair like my Mom's
15. Go to Falling Waters
16. Grow my finger nails and get a french manicure
17. Buy new make up and wear it every day for a month.
18. Make the final payment on my car loan.
19. Go to a bonfire.
20. Fill an entire sketch pad with random doodles
21. Go to Texas to meet my cousin, Kym and Anne.
22. Go to a Water theme park
23. Meet friends for lunch at The North Market.
24. Learn to crochet
25. Go to the Museum of Art
26. Watch a Xmas movie on Xmas Day
27. Make a snowman
28. Go Canoeing
29. Make a "Best Friend Trophy" for my best friend.
30. See my first Hockey game
31. Watch a sunrise and sunset.
32. Get tipsy with friends.
33. Organize my music files.
34. Send a Post Card into Post Secrets
35. Drop 3 Dress Sizes.
36. Renew my passport.
37. Walk in a labyrinth
38. Get a bread maker
39. Learn to juggle
40. Learn to change the oil in my car myself.
41. Visit a haunted site.
42. Photograph a Day in the Life of Me.
43. Take a class in Botanical Art
44. Write a poem
45. Keep a food diary religiously for 2 weeks.
46. Get a massage
47. Have my first pedicure
48. Complete The Artist Way.
49. Transfer video to a DVD
50. Watch the video from my Australian vacation
51. Join a racquetball team
52. Do a Tai Chi video every day for a month.
53. Go to a Comedy Club
54. Take a walk in the rain with someone I love.
55. Go without coffee for a week.
56. Put an ad on an online dating agency and go on a date
57. Go horse riding
58. Go Camping and make S'mores
59. Finish my cross stitch
60. Get my cross stitch framed
61. Start guitar lessons
62. Write a poem
63. Recite a poem at an open-mic.
64. Try 10 new foods.
65.

Money Exercise.

People with money are lucky.

Money makes people ungrateful.

I'll have more money if I find a better paying job.

My thought money was to be saved and put away for the future.

My mom always thought money would buy her happiness.

In my family, money caused us to grow apart.

Money equals security.

If I had money, I'd buy a house.

If I could afford it, I'd go to art school.

If I had some money, I'd find something else to worry about.

I'm afraid that if I had money, I would lose it.

Money is not the root of happiness but it can ease anxiety about the lack of it.

Having money is not everything.

Money causes people to become greedy.

In order to have more money, I'd need to stop worrying about the lack of it and open myself to it coming in from unsuspected sources.

When I have money, I usually spend it on food, books that I never get around to reading and movies that I rarely ever watch. Lately, it's been guitar hero games.

I think money is too important and to central to existence.

If I weren't so cheap, I'd spend more money on getting regular massages.

People think money is the most important thing in life.

Being broke tells me that I learning to make the most of what I have and be gracious for the small, important things in life.

New Jeans and Pumpkins

I felt alive today. The last few weeks I have been sleeping while my body goes through it's motions on a daily basis. Oblivious to the little gifts that can be found when you are receptive to them.

I had some friends over for dinner tonight and I was looking forward. Up until today I've been shying away from social interaction simply because it seems like effort I was not willing to expend.
I have always gotten a lot of enjoyment out of hosting and cooking dinner for people. Since I am a fussy eater, I must prefer to do the cooking. I think it's a control issue and I know I won't be forced to eat (or avoid to eat) something I do not like.

I slept in a little later and tidied the house, changed out the cat litter and went to the store to get some steaks. (And cherry pie cos everyone loves pie)

On the way to the grocery store I drove past a up-scale gently-used clothing store. They buy designer outfits from the public and so you can find some incredible bargains. I'm not at all the type of girl who takes particular care with her appearance and I am wondering if that isn't part of my issues. On the spur of the moment I decided to go in and get that new pair of jeans I was needing.

I have the luxury of a little more money this month and I knew I got afford it without feeling guilty. While I was there I also found two new tops that I liked and could afford. I thought back to TAW when JC was talking about buying yourself new clothes and at the time I simply laughed, thinking it was outside my means.

More importantly, the new jeans are a size smaller than I've been wearing. I didn't even try them, thinking they would be good motivation to lose a few of the extra pounds I keep writing about in my morning pages (when I write them that is) I got home and wasn't even going to try them on, not wanting to have that dreading feeling of not being able to get into them.

I took a shower and tried on the jeans. They fit perfectly!

While waiting for my dinner guests, I sketched out a Bird of Paradise. I not only opened my sketch but I drew in it also. I'm excited to actually complete a drawing for the first time in many months.

In my new clothes I felt different. I had that Fall-feeling that you get the first time you put on a long sleeve top after the summer. My house smelled wonderful from the soy candle I got while down at Old Mans Cave gift shop last week. A purchase I felt some guilt about at the time. It made the house smell like fresh linen. (I also had a load of laundry on)

For dinner, I grilled steaks with three-cheese mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Some fresh baked bread and a piece of cherry pie for desert.

My friends bought me a pumpkin. I felt American.

We played Guitar Hero for several hours and then watched Survivor, one of my guilty pleasures.

Now I'm listening to Pink Floyd,, drinking coffee and starting to think more positively about reading deprivation. Another "thing" I thought I was not able to do so why bother starting it.

I feel alive.

Detective Work

I did this exercise last night and as I read through them today, I'm noticing a lot of excitement and nostalgia creep in. I'm expanding on the answers as I share them with you.

My favorite childhood toy was a little green frog full of beans.

My favorite childhood game was Chinese Checkers and Junior Scrabble. I played both of these with my father every night, once dinner was over and the dishes done. I also loved playing Canasta with my Grandmother when I stayed with her during school vacations. I don't know anyone who plays Canasta now.

The best movie I ever saw as a kid was International Velvet. It's a sequel to National Velvet. Tatum O'Neil plays Velvet Brown's granddaughter who lives with her after her own parents are killed in a car accident. Tatum O'Neil raises Pi's foal and competes for the British Equestrian Team in the Olympics. Horse movies are one of my guilty pleasures. I must have seen this movie at least 100 times, but not recently. Perhaps that would make for a good Artist Date.

I don't do it much, but I enjoy swimming. I have been around water all my life until I moved to the land-locked Midwest. We had a pool in the backyard ever since I can remember. I spen tlong summers filled with lots of sunscreen and water filled ballons. Swimming is something that I can use as a meditation (provided I'm in good enough shape to be able to swim more than a lap or two. I haven't been in that shape for several years now)

If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself be happy. I have a tendancy to ignore all the good in my life and focus on the negatives. I choose to wallow because it's safe. It's not getting my anywhere but deeper into a black hole of shame.

If it weren't too late, I'd get fit and healthy. (Is it ever too late to start a fitness regime?)

My favorite musical instrument is the guitar. I love the way it sounds and I admire someone whoc an sit down and pick and strum away. I tried to learn how to play it a few years ago and gave it away after a few short weeks of frustrations. I have me music teachings and have been told by my family that I am tone deaf. I'm not sure that is true and I'm finding the more I expose myself to msuic, the more I believe there is still hope for me. Thanks to the playstation, I've found I'm rather partial to drumming also. I've also loved the sound of the piano. I saw some girl on tv playing the recorder from her nose. I wondered about getting myself a recorder and starting to learn to play "an instrument"

The amount of money I spent on treating myself is minsicule. I don't earn a whole lot working retail. By the time I pay bills there is very little left over. I do know that I spend more than I could on food - because food has always been a comfort. I aspire to cut down on the grocery bill and redirect that money into healthier choices that comfort my inner artist and not my inner demons.

If I weren't so stingy with my inner artist, I'd buy different artist materials and delve into new projects I've never done before, like beading and ceramics. If I had the room in my apartment, I'd by a drafting table and set up an artist studio dedicated to creating a safe environment in which to work.

I secretly enjoy reading gossip magazines and women's interest magazines such as Real Life and Oprah.

If I had a perfect childhood, I'd have grown up to be a housewife and mother with an artist studio.

If I didn't sound so crazy, I'd write the memoir about my Great Uncle Charlie and his spiritual influences on my life. He dies as a POW in WW2 and was buried in St Louis, not too far from Ohio.

My parents think artists are wasteful. My mother is a lot more supportive but my father has little time for someone who chooses art as a career. He is very left-brained and analytical with a brain built for science. He is also ultra-conservative and believes in financial security and a good solid career in a high-paying position. In his world, the arts cannot provide such things. In saying that, he still carries around with him, some of my early drawings.
My mother is a lot more right brained and has an incredible talent for detailed botanical water color. She is supportive of my drawing but has a fear of the truth being"written down and set in stone" She thinks that what people say cannot create a lot of negative reaction and often get you in to trouble. She cringes at the idea of journal writing.

My God thinks that artists are amazing. They are people to be admired and respected. It's not at all easy to sit down to a blank canvas or a a blank page and create something wonderful. I admire people who can lose themselves in their art.

What makes me feel weird about this recovery is the real possibility of success. The idea that I can become a healthy, organized woman who is happy in the moment and creating finished pieces of artwork is still more a dream than reality.

Learning to trust myself is a battle. I've always been a like a chameleon to varying degrees, struggling to fit in with someone and something.

My most cheer me up music is Xavier Rud, an Australian musician. He is a multi-instrumentalist whose songs are generally about spiritual, sociological and ecological issues. I discovered him by accident when I was at an Ani DiFranco concert several years ago. I've recently discovered Loreena McKennitt and come to the realization that I really enjoy Irish and Celtic music. It's okay if that makes me a nerd.

My favorite way to dress is comfortable. I really enjoy hippish outfits. Lots of crochet and that whole thrift store mix and match that is popular amongt artists and activists. I don't tend to dress that way as much as I would like to since I'm overweight and try to hide that behind my clothing. I guess you'd call it a vintage look. It's hard to describe.

Big Carli

The photo I posted of Carli earlier is one my favorites. She was only about 4 months old in this photo, I thought I'd post some that I took of her recently, reveling in the sun in her favorite place.

Artist Date #3 and General Update

Hi everyone.

It's been a long week for. I'm back in the routine of doing my morning pages after the general chaos from a city with no power.

I've found myself to be very irritable lately. I have been under a great deal of stress and a little homesick for my family back in Australia. My grandmother (who is 94) fell off her motorized 4 wheel scooter again. This is the fourth time in less than a year. The last time she fell onto a busy road while it was raining and at dusk. She was lucky to not be run over and got away with about 40 stitches in her head and a lot of bruising. This time she has fractured her pelvis, broke her the ball off her artificial hip and broken her femur. We didn't expect her to make ti threw the 8 hours of surgery but she has and is doing well. The scooter is long gone - for good this time.

Adding to this, my beloved kitty has been unwell. This morning I woke up to find she had vomited up a large elastic band. she seems to be much better now and was loudly portraying her need for breakfast. She is a little neurotic which I mostly contribute to her being weaned ver early. I got her from a foster home at an animal shelter when she was only 7 weeks old. Someone had found her crossing a road and terrified. She caused and accident and was named "Trouble" by the kind people who saved her life. At the animal shelter, they changed her name to Carli since she was "too cute and loving to be called Trouble" Oddly enough, Kali is a Hindu Goddess associated with death and destruction. Her name is spelt differently, but pronounced the same.

Here is a photo of her. I love her so much.



I had the day off work today and I decided it was a perfect day for my Artist Date. I usually do this on a Thursday, so it's a little delayed this week. I woke up this morning with the realization that our full week of perfect weather is going to be short lived. Here in the Midwest, there are only a few weeks where it's not bitterly cold or uncomfortably humid.

I realized that not going outside was completing wasting the sunshine.

Since I've been inspired by those of you who have been taking your camera out, I decided to go to Inniswood Metro Gardens. It's been a while since I've been there. It's one of my special places. My best friend was proposed to there at the frog pond - in her pajamas.

I packed a picnic (not realizing that food was not allowed inside the Gardens)
i wandered around for several hours, taking photographs, reveling in the smell of the gorgeous roses. I sat and watched the squirrels gathering acorns and dancing amongst the tree limbs. I watched the bees dive in and ot of the flowers gathering nectar. I watched a lady bird struggle to reach the top of a tall petal without losing his balance. I learned that there are lots of variations of mint. I followed the stepping stones of the Onondaga Creation Story. I thought about the giant oak tree that stood in front of my grandmothers house and how I loved to collect the acorns when I visited her.

I took my ipod with me and sat in the sunshine listening to Loreena McKennitt. I only recently discovered her and I can't get enough of her music. I've been a big fan of Dead Can Dance and Lisa Gerrard and Loreena has a similar type of sound. A particular song has been with me all day. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It's called Dante's Prayer.

It spoke to me. Here are the lyrics.

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

My moments of wonders have continued through the day. I came home and ate my picnic. I set up a photo blog of some of my 160 photographs from the Gardens. This is something I've wanted to do for many months but never gotten around to. Now, friends and family across the oceans can be more in my life without me filling their Emails with large hindering file transfers.

Yay me!

For anyone interested in looking at the site, you can find it here.

Hurricane Ike

What a week it has been.

The remnants of Hurricane Ike came up through the Midwest and wrecked havoc on our city. With as bad as it was, I can't imagine how disastrous it was for those in Texas. Here in Ohio, we had hurricane force gusts in the range of 55-70 mph.

It came through and knocked down thousands of trees, damages houses, injured people and left 90% of the city without power.

That was Sunday and my power was just restored Wednesday. My internet and cable connection only came back online this afternoon. I'm one of the lucky ones. The electric company are saying that many people will still be without power on Sunday, one full week after the storm.

It was amazing!

Grocery stores were closed, gas stations were closed. You couldn't buy a bag of ice or a candle anywhere in town. Traffic lights were out on most intersections. There was a small pocket of power in my work complex (we were open for business) and the McDonald's in the plaza were out of food by the second day. On Sunday night after the storm had past, people were waiting over an hour for a cheese burger!

Needless to say, my progress with The Artist's Way has been hindered this week. I haven't done morning pages in 4 days now and I'm feeling pretty down about it. The artist side of me has been telling me that this was the perfect time to be writing without the distraction of television and internet.

The critic, ego-driven side has used this week as an excuse to halt my recovery. I've spent the past few days wallowing in my own self-misery. Onwards I go.

Artists Date #2

It's that time of the week again. I put my hand in my trusty idea jar and pulled out three options for my Artists Date. #1 was to create a music cd with a artful cover. I didn't much feel like doing this. #2 was to make a pot of soup and since it was in the high 80's, I figured it was a little warm to making soup. #3 was to go a craft shop and get "something" I could finish in an afternoon.

I had to go to Joann's anyhow to get more yarn for my cross stitch. So off to Joann's I went.

I walked down the kids aisle and immediatly saw what I wanted to do. A paint by number! It was oodles of fun and has taken me most of the afternoon and evening to finish. I put some wonderful music on (Xavier Rudd and then Lorena McKennit) This evening I listened to a documentary about the construction and restoration of Parthenon.

It was wonderful to be painting again, without the anxiety of "destroying" a blank canvas.

Better still, I was able to forget about my desire to smoke.

All in all, a wonderful day off.

What have I learnt this week?

On of my negative beliefs of why I could not write: I don't have the confidence of good grammar. For example, should this blog title have been "What have I learned this week?" or "What have I learnt this week?"

I'm at peace when my house is clean and tidy and organized. I struggle to maintain that organization and hence, use organization as an avoidance of what my art, my creativity and my self.

I will sit down to write my morning pages or do something artistic and my inner demons battles to come up with other "more important things" that I must do right now rather than write.

I'm aware of these hindrances and others, but as yet I am fighting a battle to overcome their powers.

I'm sitting down now to a 95% immaculately clean house. I could be sorting out all my art supplies, mopping the bathroom floors and cleaning the patio and grill. But I am telling myself that those things can wait because tonight was previously declared "writing night"

I've made a lot of big changes this week.

1. I'm attempting to quit smoking. I'm 35 years old and have been smoking for almost 5 years. Most people start this disgusting habit when they are a teenager and it's the cool thing for them to do. Right? Not me. I started smoking at the time of my divorce. When I was old enough to be aware of the dangerous health effects and the anti-social effect of smelling bad all the time.

I started smoking at 30 years old because I felt like it was the cool thing to do. His new girlfriend was a smoker and I was not. In fact I hated the smell of tobacco that it drew a wedge between my ex-husband and I since he was also a smoker. I had hopes that by smoking I'd bridge that gap and possibly change the directions things had taken. It didn't work that way, and by the time I realized this, it was too late and my addiction to nicotine had wound itself around me.

The hardest thing about quitting smoking is the routine and habit. Your brain slurps up the nicotine and associates certain activities with smoking as a way of tightening it's hold on the you. It disguises as a reward which is good for you rather than it's addictive poison.

"Once you finish this task, it'll be nice to reward yourself with a peaceful cigarette where little can interrupt out time together"

The hardest times include getting in my car, finishing a meal, contemplating the start of your day, before getting started on a project and when I'm having an indecisive moment. Smoking helps you think. So nicotine leads you to believe. In reality, it's one of my enemies of my creative self.

2. This leads me to the other big revelation I've had this week.

I'm investigating the possibility of applying for, and sitting an examination for a professional license in my abandoned professional field. I've been out of the medical field for about 5 years. Since the day I began smoking to be exact.

I went from a highish paying position in the medical field to a retail position in a used bookstore. At the time I justified it by the need for a change. My demanding somewhat-crazy job has also been a factor in the breakdown of my marriage. I was going back to my roots. Going back to the job I'd dreamed of having when I was a child. I did and I still do love it this new career.

As I progress further up the ladder into higher management, my job has become less about the books and more about looking after people who do play with the books. In a few years I will come to the top of my salary cap unless I get further promoted and further away from what I love the most, the books. In all reality, I'm never going to make enough dollars to the live the type of lifestyle I dream of having.

I don't desire much, just the same semi carefree financial existance I once had. I'm tired of struggling and agonizing over every last penny. It's extra anxiety that is taking me away from my creativity despite the incredible amount of time off I get now. What good is time off if I widdle it away wishing for more than I have right now while I smoke a pack of cigarettes.

I'm not telling my demons that I've quit smoking. I'm telling them that "Just for today, I am not going to smoke"

I've also come up with a list of negatives for smoking.

1. It's stinky.
2. It's incredibly expensive.
3. My fitness level has deteriorated since I started smoking.
4. Breathing is noticeable different, and not for the better.
5. I can't go to a coffee place and write for extended periods because nicotine withdrawals intrude.
6. I come from a family where everybody smoked and now none of them do. Except me.

Artists Date

I have learned so much about myself this week. I've missed one day of morning pages - the very first day. (I never woke up to my alarm clock and was late to work)

Today is my first Artists Date. I initially made up a list of ideas on some post-its and threw all in a big jar, with the intention of pulling one randomly each week. Then on Monday our delivery driver bought in a bag of freshly picked peaches. They were to die for. It was then that I decided I wanted to go and pick my own fruit and vegetables. Raspberries are in full season and I LOVE fresh raspberries.

Once I get back, I will need to employ some great creativity as to what I am going to do with them all.

Off I go.

Risk

RISK
Author unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to others is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.

The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks can be free

Why TAW?

What brings me to back to The Artist's Way?

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been drawing. I haven't been taking care of myself. Over the years I've come to realize that when I am not doing these things, my life falls out of balance. I go into a downward spiral of low self-esteem and unhealthy choices in my life. I struggle to find the silver lining. I look at what others have and what I do not. I lose the clarity to make decisions.

I've come to the place on the yellow brick road where I don't know know whether to take east or west so I sit, suspended in my own darkness.

I need to write yet I lack confidence that my voice and what I have to say it “worthy” I’m so afraid of showing true emotion and being truth of who *I* am, that I’ve long hidden that self.

It’s time to open my wide electric-blue peacock feathers and emerge from the cocoon I’ve remained hidden in all these years. It is from within the darkness of the confines that I've been watching the world go by.

I censor what comes out in my thoughts. Fear of not wanting to hurt somebody. Fear of being judged by my thoughts. I write easier when I am writing to "someone" which is why an anonymous blog seemed like a way to be able to gain some confidence in being truthful and free with my words.

I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to say

Who Am I?

You are Everywhere
The Giver of Everything
You are the Mystery
You are the Power of All
You are Without Desire
Free from worry of mind
Withing beginning, without end
You are the Light of Beauty
You are Beloved of All
You are Present Everywhere
You are the Unseen
You are the Knower of all
You are unseen.

- Sat Kartar (musician)