Fear

I happened upon this quote.
"If you don't face up to your fears on your own aord, the Universe will place obstacles in front of you that face you to force them. Life is so much easier if you take the inititive yourself"

One simple word

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is it that drives my most basic functions. Why is it that I procrastinate and desire so much more. Why is it that I sit on the sidelines and dream of the life I want to living. I look at other people and envy their vitatlity and their apparent comfort with themselves. I envy their stamina, their creativity, their lives.

I appreciate that my life is so much better than a mere 3 years ago when I was so alone and so afraid and living in near poverty and wondering if my life was ever going to get any better. It did. And so much so. I remember looking in the mirror one morning and realising that I was in fact pretty. I stared at myself for several moments and not once did I focus on my blemishes, my weight, my untameable hair. That was a completely foreign feeling for me.

It wasn't long after that when I met Keith. Keith who with his gignatic heart immediatly saw the light in me that I had struggled to find since the end of my first marriage. In seeing it for myself first, I was able to show it to others. I must have been oozing with self confidence at that time. Life became a catalyst to light and love and within a mere few months I was pregnant with my first son, married and signing the documents to purchase our first home. My own family has always been my one big dream to bring alive.

I think it's human nature to always want more than you have.

One always seems to be looking for something to fill a void and even with my wonderful family, I still find myself yearning for more from my life.

With writing my morning pages, I've discovered that one of the biggest enemies of my self worth and creative life is two simple tiny words.

"IF only.... "

The Artist's Way

Hello!

My name is Karen and I am a serial procrastinator who desires to be so much more. Some might even call me lazy when it comes to looking out for myself. Several years ago I was introdced to Julia Cameon's The Artist Way and it changed the course of my life for the better. I was able to build the courage to leave a bad marriage and start things anew. I gave up the security of a high paying job to follow my childhood dream of being a librarian and I overcome my struggle with self confidence (temporarily at least)

Fast forward a few years and I am now happily married with two beautiful children and a group of mothers who have become like sisters, even though we have never actually met one another in person. One of these mothers, Annie, is one of the most beautiful writers and souls I have had the firtune to meet. We have shared the same struggles and I feel this tremendous connection to her. She has found herself in a slump with her writing. You see, she believes she can only write about suffering. Yet she has been blessed with this amazing little girl who is about to 7 months old and is happier than she has ever been. Yes, she still struggles but she is happy.

Immediatly The Artist's Way came to mind and I sent her a copy of the book and I eagerly agreed to join her in the 12 week course. That was the easy part. I admit I'm a little scared to open those doors again, even though I know only good things will come from it. Having to commit to finding time for myself when I make every excuse not to. Having to be open with my feelings when I try to hide them from the world. Having to commit to walking when my body has become too tired to do much more than it already does. Having to turn up at a blank page and create something from nothing. Having to commit to three pages of long hand writing when I'm afraid of what is going to flow through my pen. I already know where this is going to lead.. It's going to force me to make healthier choices in my life. Catapualt me from my routine and stuck-ness into a rich flow of creative juice.

But then I find myself thinking that those are all great sacifices to make if my two boys have a mom who is healthier both in body and soul. It's all worth it to see my great friend find that she can write sunshine and vibrance. This woman is raw talent at it's best and I can't wait to see what things she can do.

So look forward to more from me over the coming weeks. Share in  our journey.

A scrapbooking idea I found on Pinterest

1. What is your favorite color? Pink
2. What is your favorite toy? Thomas Blue
3. What is your favorite fruit? Pineapple
4. What is your favorite tv show? Thomas and Caillou
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch?
6. What is your favorite outfit?
7. What is your favorite game?
8. What is your favorite snack?
9. What is your favorite animal?
10. What is your favorite song?
11. What is your favorite book?
12. Who is your best friend?
13. What is your favorite cereal?
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
15. What is your favorite drink?
16. What is your favorite holiday?
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night?
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday?
20. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Starting at age 2, I will be asking Caden and Liam these 20 questions every year around their birthday. I am going to assemble a small album for each of them, which will hold about 10 years worth, depending on how I lay it out. I will share the final design as soon as I complete this first page.

I'm back!

I just read this:

"You never questions the truth of something until you have to explain it to a skeptic"

I think I want to think on this for a while.

My list for today....

I came across this and it made me smile.



Instructions for Life

• Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
• Memorize your favorite poems.
• Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
• When you say, "I love you", mean it.
• When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
• Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
• Believe in love at first sight.
• Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
• In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
• Don't judge people by their relatives.
• Talk slow but think quick.
• When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
• Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• Call your mom.
• Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Remember the three R's:

• Respect for self,

  Respect for others,

  Responsibility for all your actions.

• Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
• Marry a partner you love to talk to. As you get older, the conversational skill will be as important as any other.
• Spend some time alone.
• Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
• Silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Read more books, watch less TV.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
• Trust in God but lock your car.
• A loving atmosphere in your home is important.
• Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
• In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
• Read between the lines.
• Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
• Be gentle with the earth.
• Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
• Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
• Mind your own business.
• Close the eyes when you get a kiss.
• Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
• If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
• Not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
• Learn the rules, then break some.
• In a good relationship is the love for each other greater than the need for each other.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Your character is your destiny.
• Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Lists - edited from Morning Pages.

I love making lists. I love crossing things off a list. I have lists for everything and I'm about write another one tonight.

I'm been mulling over my addiction for lists the past few days and wondering why I feel like I need them in order to navigate life. Someone told me that it was because I need someone or something to tell me what to do. This really upset me. It didn't resonate well or perhaps I was concerned she was right. I'm always quick to assume to think the worst about myself. Thinking I can't survive without someone or something telling me what to do is a huge insult to my character.

By day I'm an assistant manager and tend to work opposite schedules to the store manager. As such I'm constantly often forced to make spur of the moment judgments. I'm a good leader and a good motivator.

By night I live alone with my cat Carli. I'm independant, financially responsible on a limited income and make all my own decisions. It really hurt my feelings that this person thinks I can't make my own decisions. It shouldn't, but it does.

Every other Friday night I meet up with a small intimate group of woman. We all share a desire to live a happier and healthier life, aided by the love support of each other. It's my safe place. The place where it's okay to be me and show my vulnerbility. The core of the group is a very empathic lady called Cheryl. She sees much of her younger self in me. It sometimes scares me a little about how intimatly she knows the true me, the secrets I hide and the fears I deny to the outside world.

About half way through the night on Friday I blurted out something big in a moment of silence. Something scary. Something I don't even think I had realized consciously. I have no idea of where the words came from as I said them it felt like I was an observer more so than the active speaker.

"I am afraid to dream. I'm afraid my dreams won't come true and I'm afraid this is the best it is ever going to be for me"

I have dreams. They are loosely assembled in the various lists I create. I'm just afraid to go after them for fear of them alluding me. I write lists to visualize those dreams. Not because I need someone to tell me what to do and how to live.

I was thinking about this while in my Friday night group.

Our homework for the week is to write down our dreams and aspirations and next week we are going to do a buring meditation to bring those aspirations into fruition.

She also gave us all a lotus seed. The lotus flower grows in muddy, wtinky water. The more stinky and rotten the mud is, the beautiful and vibrant the flower becomes. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater. At dawn, it rises and opens again. Untouched by impurity, it symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. It represents long life, health, honor and good luck.

Cheryl came up to me at the end of the night as we were saying our goodbyes.

She whispered in my ear and said "You write lists because you are a writer and you are stocking up on fuel for your craft. Don't listen to what others tell you. They're wrong"

How did she know about my inner diaglogue and the sadness I felt about the way others see me

One of my aspirations is to stop being derailed by what others see in me.